Bambi on Prozac...

OK, I have a ritual that I go through on my daily drives to work. It's a simplistic ritual that involves me leaving my home and trying to get as depressed as humanly possible during the 18 minute commute to my place of employment. Of course being the grand pessimist that I am I succeed at it quite well. A typical drive involves me using the radio as my melancholy theme music as I deeply ponder how pathetic my life truly is, (I'll spare you my babbling of pigeon excrement for another time).
  Yesterday was no exception to this aforementioned ritual, and along with my usual internal whine of despair I was deep in thought about something that's been bothering me quite a bit here lately. As I age and continue to work with the public I have noticed a darkening inside me; I seem to despise the human race more and more by the minute. This is not your typical loathing either, it is very broad and I do not discriminate against anyone, anywhere, at any time. I find myself looking down on every race creed and color everywhere I go with this profound cynicism that even scares me sometimes. Now anyone who knows me is certainly aware that I have always had a distaste for the public, (which I'm sure stems directly from my social anxiety, or is it the other way around?). But this day, this day was different and something happened which made me stop and ponder, (if only for a second) that maybe some part of these feelings are just.

  I'm weaving through highway traffic as I close in on the off ramp into the city when in the distance I see a pickup truck with two men riding in the back. Before I can even catch myself I instantly say outloud, "God damned rednecks". No sooner had those words came out of my mouth when I flashed back to my childhood and how much I enjoyed riding in the back of the truck we owned. I again say to myself out loud, "My God, what has happened to you?". But in that same instant one of the men in the back of the truck points to a grassy hill beside the highway, I can see him mouthing excitedly the word "DEEEEER!" to his truck bed companion. Sure enough, high upon the hill just barely visible from onlookers, was a full grown doe grazing away.

Well I'll be.....they were god damned rednecks after all.

.....

I am finding myself still putting thought into this band thing. I'm more comfortable with the fact that I am now in a "cover band', but I dread the bullshit I'm going to have to take from my other musician friends; they are soo gonna rag on me about this and tell me I should be doing original work. I can't argue with that, but the fact is it's not happening and I'm fucking sick of letting my kit collect dust in my living room while everyone else is out playing and having a good time. I should have been out there playing years ago and I'm sick of waiting for the "right time" to come along, so fuck em if they don't like it. At least that's what I want to say...

I just hope none of these said friends come to any of the shows, I'm not sure how I would react to that honestly and I'm a bit afraid I would feel embarrased about my own band, and that's just not fair to the other guys in the band. There's nothing wrong with being in a cover band and it can be alot of fun.

So why is this bothering me so bad? I'm in a band again, I get to play again, and I will get paid to do what I love to do and have done for years for free. What the hell is the problem? My stupid ego just wont let this go.

*sigh*

We're an american band??

Let me just start this one off with a big what the fuck?

I arrived at work today and went through my usual routine of checking my phone and such for messages and came across a text from a childhood friend. He has a band and his drummer was out of town weekend before last so he invited me up to practice to fill in for the guy, basically just to fool around and have some fun. We did just that, played until about 2 or 3 am and called it a night and I thought nothing more of it, (though he did mention the idea of me learning their stuff and kind of being a stand-by drummer if their regular guy wasn't able to make a show or something). Blah blah, short story long he messages me and goes on as to how he's kicking it at the beach and pondering who their drummer should be. I asked about their regular drummer, he says their having a "small" issue with him *shrugs*. He asks me what I think about maybe being their regular drummer, (apparently they liked how I played). I'm a tad hesitant, but I told him I'm willing to give it a go and he tells me to go ahead and learn all the songs; apparently I'm now in a band.
   To innocent onlookers this probably appears to be a good thing, but it's pretty bittersweet for me. I've tried off and on to put a band together since about 2002. Three [four?] bands have came and went since then with everything just falling apart each time. Some pretty decent material has came from those days, but it more or less has never left my living room (aka "the studio"). I love to and dearly miss playing, and at my age any opportunity to play should be considered a good one. The problem is, these guys are pretty much a cover band and they are still a tad green, so at the same time it's a bit of an ego blow, kinda like I'm "taking what I can get" at this point. Now this is nothing against the band at all, I really had a good time playing with them and I don't mind playing covers at all. It's just that I enjoy writing and creating original music as well, and though they want to do this in the future, it's going to be awhile before they are ready for that; and who's to say any of us will even be on the same page musically when that time comes?
   *sigh* I'm just going to roll with this and see where it goes. I'm always the pessimist, so I really need to try to give this a chance before I condemn it to fail. Non the less, I am still approaching this with trepidation.

Time will tell, perhaps you will hear about it here...

My first post...

I don't have a damned clue where this thing will take me for I created it on a whim. I imagine it will fall by the wayside just like all the other little projects I've taken up throughout the years *sigh*. I also imagine I will mostly be talking to myself, but this isn't anything new is it Mr. Conner?

That's it for post #1. Pretty thought provoking stuff eh?

I'm going home to play WOW.....